You don't wanna be here when it goes down again...

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 00:52:21 GMT

OMG.
taking back sunday
weezer and
blink were AMAZING!
soooooo much funn!
and the pit wasn't that bad after a while
sucked that we were late though.
also that i didn't get merch
but whateves.
totally amazingly worth everything.
i'm pretty sore.
it feels like i worked
out my abs and legs.
and i got a bruise
on the bottom of my leg
and on my foot
between my ring and pinky toe
all on my right foot.
but i guess it balanced out cause
my left foot is way more sore in comparison.
haha.
loved that we had pit tickets!
sucks that we kinda got separated though.
i was with shiena and leslie
tiff was with preet
and i think gabe and nicole were together
or at least i hope
cause if they were by themselves that sucks.
OHHH AND WE DIDN'T TAKE A PICTURE!
not of the concert
i took some...but it was hard to do that
and fully enjoy the concert.
i wanted a picture of all of us!
ohh well next time.

anywhoo...
the area where we presumed kitty
has a car on now has red lines
coming down from it.
kuya said it could be a scar from a cut
but it seems tooo red.
makes me sad and nervous.
we need to get him checked.
ohh and i haven't seen mike and boo all day
and that never happens.
hope they show up.
all this is making me worry.
plus i have a test i should be studying for
but i'm physically tired, lazy,
and worried.
ohh welll.
i'll try but i still have tomorrow i guess.

p.s. tiffyluna17RT @swtkatastrophe: RT @cadetapplesauce: RT: @lesliepants: BLINK 182 WAS AMAZING. WEEZER WAS AWESOME. MY JR HIGH FANTASY COME TRUE!about 1 hour ago from txt
haha. we're awesome! =]

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 18:56:58 GMT

soo things were going amazingly well
that is until yesterday.
the past few days made my summer
as well as my shows.
in fact the day before yesterday was awesome
some drama but i made sure i was not a part of
and it worked well.
i didn't care
i was drinking and having fun with my friends
and i was no longer talking to him
so it was not my problem.
but yesterday after the dizziness
i remembered as much as i could
and the unanswered phone calls and ims
and for some reason i can't shake the feeling.
i don't know what it is exactly.
i know for a fact that i'm perfectly fine without him.
hell, especially with the way he was acting i am in some ways glad.
but i guess the im affected me way too much when i read it.
i guess i just hate goodbyes,
no matter who they may be from.
i don't miss him,
i know that for a fact.
i miss the person i knew
or at least,
i miss the person i thought i knew.
sometimes i think of the past and only see that person
and not who he is now.
that's when i miss him the most.
that is when i lose sight of reality.
cause at times i wish things were how they were
and i would feel the happiness i did
without all the knowledge i now hold.
or at the very least, we would be okay
and enjoy each other's company again.
i know many times i act as though lost friendships
don't bother me, or that they're inevitable.
but i think i am sometimes scared
of trying to save them and failing.
grrr. i hate this.
i feel like i'm going through the whole process over again!
maybe it's best that things end this way.
i just hate endings altogether.

Fri, 15 May 2009 04:21:40 GMT

life has been...
okay i guess?
i mean i haven't really been
worrying over the whole doctor thing.
there's bad days but not so much,
more of just me not wanting
to go to school or work.
but other than that just few sad days.
i've been skipping more than i've ever had.
ALLLL bad.
but i just hope to pass at this point.
not good i know.
but at least now, recently,
i have been having fun
and am not depressed or anything.
i do believe that i live for my good days and rest days
but there's a lot more coming now that school's
almose over and summer's coming.
there's less time to think about what i'm sad about.
there's also stuff i've lost.
connection of friendships, the will to go to school, etc.
i'm taking the good in with the bad.
bad school good fun and happy.
bad work good more opportunities i.e. disney and shows.
i'm living one day at a time.

fortunately with all the things keeping me busy
i rarely think of relationships.
one negative is that i feel as though
i'm surrounded by couples
and i'm always the 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th wheel.
whateves. needa learn to get used to it again.
i guess knowing the other side makes me
feel more aware of what i had.
i know i don't want a relationship now
or think i could even handle one any time soon
it just sucks when all your friends and family leave you.
and all that's left is you.

i'm trying to be thankful.
with everything everone
else is going through
i'm glad they have someone.
i know my problems aren't as complicated.
it is selfish to think of what i don't have.
i hope to keep the good things in mind.
yo no se.
things are going well and i hope they stay that way.

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 05:55:48 GMT

i hate school.
it is what i hate about getting
up in the morning.
i hate waiting too.
i wait for the bad days
and the bleh days to pass
just to get to the good ones.
shows really do make my
life feel worth it nowadays.
pathetic, i know.
but it's all that i have really
to look forward to.

yo no se.
so anxious for when i actually
see the doctor
i really need to get this over with
and not have it stuck in my head.

and i do need to work
as much as i hate the idea
the only way to be happy
and watch my shows is if i have money.
boo.
why does everything good cost money.
i need my tax refund asap.

ohh. p.s.
nfg was amazing!
getting barricade just made
it all the more amazing.
i really really do love going to shows. =]

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 18:54:14 GMT

another cancelled doctor's appointment.
great.

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 08:28:03 GMT

can't sleep.
long weekend.

why aren't you going out with the person you like?
not ready to go out with anyone. or it's not likely to happen cause they're a celebrity. hah.

in the past 72 hours have you been under the influence?
yupp. kinda against my will though.

how has this week been for you?
school is blaah only thursday ws okay cause of our plan. weekend was alright too i guess.

what are you doing tonight?
should be doing my paper but i guess imma cram it in tomorrow.

been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?
ummm... no?

does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes?
not really. i kinda just find it very reflecive and wished they would've helped me realize them more back then.

who is currently on your bad side?
no one really. not itme for that. life is short.

will your next kiss be a mistake?
no. i'll make sure of that. at least i hope.

what are you listening to right now?
an episode of jon and kate plus 8.

are you friends with someone who's older than you?
can i consider them my friends even though i consider them family too?

what's the most unusual place you've changed your clothes?
under a desk at school or at the beach covered by towels.

who made you laugh today ?
myself, i'm hilarious. oh and family.

who do you miss?
my life before it got complicated and the people involved before bullshit set in.

do you have any funny inside jokes ?
yes. if you don't get it is not cause i'm weird.

name something you dislike about the day you're having?
can't sleep.

do you regret anything?
yes. i always ALWAYS second guess myself, but i'm hoping everything turns out for the better and that everything happens for a reason.

what are you going to do this weekend?
homework. twilight dvd. out with friends?

who would you like your next "fling" to be with?
no flings. ever. not my thing.

is any part of your body sore?
nope.

if you had to move in with a friend, which one would you pick?
no idea to be honest. i guess any of my friends who are single, this is if i had to pick now.

what is the farthest you've traveled with a friend?
san di-fucking-ego. never again. if there was a longer stay and actually planned shit out. never again a repeat of that time.

any of your friends so close that you consider them family?
all of the people i consider my close friends. they're close cause i consider them family.

anyone told you a secret this week?
don't know if it was considered a secret. either way i didn't tell anyone.

would you change yourself?
yes in some ways, but no if it changes me completely of who i am or want to be.

is there someone you will never forget?
yess. it is hard to forget sometimes, even if you want to.

has anyone ever seen you in your underwear/ boxers/ bra?
yes.

who was last to cook for you?
tita always cooks for everyone.

when is the next time you'll see the second person on your top?
i have no idea who that is.

has anyone ever sang to you?
yes. i think it's sweet when people sing to others...i wish i could sing!

have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
yess! i want the side of my lip pierced! but i'm pretty sure it won't look right yadda yadda yadda...

is there anyone you would hit?
i always hit my broham.

who is someone you tell everything to?
no. there are people who will hear things eventually, but i'm not one to tell everything. i think it's better to keep some things a secret.

is anyone attracted to you?
nope.

is there a friend you can't stand?
occasionally, but overall why would i be friends with someone i can't stand?

who are your best friends?
jenn, heather, kim, nicole, christian, and my nanays =].

do you own a pair of jeans worth over $200?
no. i'd sell that shit for the money if i did.

are you looking forward to this week?
yea, i guess.

were you a cute baby?
i was chubby and chinky.

what' s the last thing you put in your mouth?
my retainer. i like having my slight lisp.

if you could seek revenge on someone, would you?
no, karma's a bitch.

what's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
playing with the babies! ohh and the food was good.

do you ever think "what if" about anything?
all the time. drives me crazy sometimes.

be honest, who are you texting?
no one? whoo, that was a tough one.

this time last year, can you remember who you liked?
yes. thanks for reminding me. [stupid questions!]

what is something that you realized today?
that i like cats but maybe it's because i like my cat even though my cat kinda acts like a dog. hmmm...

do you think anyone has feelings for you?
no.

who was the first person you talked to today?
ate.

how late did you stay up last night?
330-4?

do you smoke weed every day?
nope nevever have. only if i need to, with certain band members, or eat it possibly if it's legalized. haha.

could you go a month without cursing?
if i was always near children and never get mad.

have you ever ridden a horse?
yupp looonnngggg time ago. i wanna learn how to horseback ride though.

you can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life, what is it?
water.

are you anything like you were at this point last year?
yea, maybe i was happier and carefree. now i'm not sure particularly how i ever feel or try to feel.

have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
no. i'm good at not contacting others, my downfall i suppose.

when's the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone?
hah. saturday, for like a second, cause i accidentally still had my brother wallet. [this is kinda sad. hah.]

do you think you are a good person?
yes, at least i try to be.

do you miss the way things used to be?
yess a good majority of the time i think of the past. i hope things get better though so i won't have to compare the two so often.

have you held hands with anyone in the past 24 hours?
babies.

are you a patient person?
sometimes. depending on the people and situations.

do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
yes. i think i can only do long-term relationships. what's the point of wanting a short-term?

are you afraid of death/dying?
yes. very much so. i don't like being left or leaving others.

when was the last time you cried?
sometime this past week. yo no se.

think a lot before you fall asleep?
yes, hence filling this shit outt.

what do you think your number 1 is doing right now?
once again, no idea who that is.

who would be the first person to know if you got pregnant?
no idea. sister, the boy, or one of my close friends.

do you care what others think about you?yeaa, i try not to but i think it's kinda inevitable.

were you happy when you woke up today?
no. i was still tired.

closest green object to you?
pillow.

what was the first thing you did when you woke up?
try to sleep again.

what were you doing at 8 this morning?
sleeping.

have you talked to a complete jerk today?
no.

what are you excited for?
weekend! and concerts in general.

do you eat junk food every day?
not everyday =]

who was the last person you rode in the car with that was under 21?
the children i pick up from school.

do you have curly hair?
no it's just kinda wavy poofy-ish?

are you mad at anyone right now?
nope.

do you live on your own?
nope.

where is the person you care about the most?
to be honest there is no most. family in general i guess, who are within their households.

would you like receiving flowers or do you think that's tacky?
i would love it and think it's sweet but also think that no one has to waste money on flowers for me.
i don't think i'd ever get used to possibly being spoiled. i'd feel soooo bad.

what pisses you off a whole lot?
stupid people.

how have you felt today?
ehhhh.

who was the last person you slept in a bed with?
goddaughter. she moves A LOT.

do you have any plans for tomorrow?
school. boooo.

what were you doing at 10:00 am?
at home talking?

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 05:51:49 GMT

so i'm getting nervious
and wanting march 23
comes quickly.
i've finally told someone
but did not dwell on the
subject for too long
whether it was out of
disinterest or discomfort
i don't know.

to be honest,
i would love to tell
someone who i don't know.
who's neutral and would
tell me honestly what they think
and their opinions.
yo no se.
oh and i'm worried
because i randomly at times
feel pain that kinda
feels like heartburn
but i don't know what that means.

mannn...things are really a mess.
i just wanna know so i can
go on with my life
and know what i have to deal with.
this past year sucks
but with the exception of this
i know for a fact that it will be better.
i just need to know that at the end of the day
everything will be alright.

i need hope.
and i have role models
to look for for inspiration
but i feel alone
and want to know if i need to worry
and if i need the support
of others to get though this.

grrr. i'm so frustated with this issue!
can this be over already?

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 05:03:41 GMT

sooo...
i don't really wanna
do my homework yet
and i can't totally focus
on the game or i'll get anxious.
so i've decided to do
another one of these surveys.
ok? go!

Where was the last place you went out to eat?
ummm does mcdonalds count if i just got a sundae and didn't eat there?

What was the last non alcoholic beverage you consumed?
water =]

Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
eyes. how can you just stare at someone's lips? kinda weird if you ask me.

Best kind of pizza?
ummm... i don't know? i'm very traditional and would be happy with pepperoni.

Is your bedroom window open?
no. are you crazy?

Who was the last band you saw live?
the killers, death cab for cutie, bloc party, franz ferdinand, jack's mannequin, &dizzy balloon.
Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?
ummm... i don't know what you mean by that. if they ask for help yes. but they usually don't want me to get sick either.

What is your favorite soda?
who loves orange soda? i do i do i dooo.

When was the last time you purchased something over $500?
ummmm....i don't think i've purchased one item over $500 but i bought 6 tickets for 2 separate concerts in one day if that counts?

What brand of digital camera do you own?
canon.

Where did your last kiss take place?
haha. ummm to be honest i don't even know and don't even wanna think about it.

What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night?
getting ready to watch jon and kate plus 8.

How about put your legs behind your head?
yessum. you learn what your body can do when you take yoga.

Have you ever stolen anything off of a road?
off a road? noo?

When was the last time you dyed your hair?
damnn...umm... maybe sophomore year? i don't know, it's been a while.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
jenn and kayla.

Miss someone?
yeaa i miss a lot of people.

Who has your heart at the moment?
no one that i know in real life. hah.

What did you go to bed last night thinking about?
i'll finish my paper in the morning. must sleep! oh and i LOVE this song (i want to know your plans). haha.

Is there anyone on your mind at the moment?
no. too busy watching warriors! woo!
Which type of music do you find most annoying?
ehh... i don't know. don't really listen to much other music so i can't really say.

Has anyone "made your day" today?
no. but my day was pretty good and usually i don't have anyone to "make my day" anyways.

Do your lips get chapped often?
ummm i'm not sure? i always carry burt's beeswax to quickly remedy that problem though.

Who/what was that last thing that you slept with?
care bear!

Any plans for tonight?
1st draft of english essay and hopefully watching the warriors win this game.

When was the last time you took a shower?
last night.

Do you always wear socks when you put your shoes on?
yea. that's disgusting if you don't.

Do you have the google toolbar?
yupp.

Internet Explore or Firefox?
internet explorer but everyone tells me to use something else. yo no se?

Do your parents do things that 'embarrass' you?
yes. but it's okay there's little contact anyways.

Who was the last person you e-mailed?
slim's to update me on shows.

Do you have a stuffed animal from when you were baby still around?
yupp...well at least as far back as i can remember.

Is your hair up or down right now?
up.

What was the last gift you got from someone?
hmm...no idea to be honest. been a WHILE, if anything money. hah.

Do you care if a boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
their personal choice but i don't like the smell or consequences so it's unlikely i'd want to go out with them in the first place.

How are you feeling today?
ehhh whatever. by the way that's a good response coming from me.

Single?
yupp.

Will you be in a relationship a week from now?
it's not likely.

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 02:22:28 GMT

What kind of mood are you in today?
a bit excited and anxious, as per usual.

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
attempting to get ready for school.

Have you talked to a complete jerk today?
not one that i'm aware of.

Want someone back in your life?
yes please.

What are you excited for?
nfg, the fray/ jack's mannequin, no doubt/ paramore, & eventually blink show, disneyland, summer!, and twitour 2010. hah.

Have you ever worn the opposite sex' s clothing?
yupp. their sweaters are wayyy more comfortable.

Are you mad at anyone right now?
nope. too much wasted time and energy.

When is your birthday?
june 3rd.

Could you date someone taller than you?
yes, i'd prefer it.

What makes you happy at this moment?
listening to taylor lautner answer question on blogtalkradio. =]

Do you have your tonsils and wisdom teeth?
yes. yes.

When did you last cry?
last night. why did cedric diggery have to die?! haha.

What's your worst habit?
indecisive.

Do you find it easier to forgive or forget?
forgive.

Do you hate being alone?
no. sometimes i prefer it. i needa learn how to balance it though.

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
snooze button.

What did you do this weekend?
party which i was not into & stay at home reading.

Have you ever, in any way, been betrayed by someone you trusted?
it's inevitable. you just gotta move past and learn from it.

Who was your last missed call from?
jenn.

Do you love someone?
i love everyone.

Happy?
i have moments. it's fleeting, and i'm trying to learn to live in it and cherish it.

Do you still think about someone in your past?
yes.

How do you feel?
about the previous question or in general? if in general right now: happy!

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
my sister. we share clothes sometimes. hah.

Are you giving up on someone?
no, at least i try not to?

Do you ever get a text saying good morning?
nope. so not a morning person!

Ever been lied to by someone you thought would never lie to you?
yes, disappointing and disheartening but everyone's human. live and learn.

Last time you cried from laughing?
possibly bjs for preet's birthday? not sure. been a while.

What are you craving right now?
nothing really. hmmm...content right now.

Who did you last take a picture with?
joanne and kuya marc.

Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
not that i remember. i could have though. i was a mean child.

Do you have any piercings?
typical ears pierced. want eyebrow or side of lip if i knew it would look good.

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed?
wow. ate's couch?

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
yes.

Was it a boy or a girl to text you last and what did it say?
girl. something about calling in advance so we can ask a question.

Is there someone you wanna date right now?
no.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
someone i know, no. hypothetically speaking, yes.

Have you fixed friendships with anyone lately?
nope. not my fault.

Are you the same as you were a year ago?
in some aspects, yes. but i hope i learned a lot from this past year.

Done anything illegal lately?
hasn't everyone?

What are you doing tomorrow?
school. booo.

Do you think that you have made a difference in someones life?
if anything in life, i hope that i eventually do make a difference in someone's life.

What's the last thing you ate?
teriyaki chicken and rice.

Are you gonna be home alone tonight?
my house is ALWAYS filled with people.

First thing you did this morning?
put on the radio.

I've come to realize that, my last ex:
didn't go to sd yet. hah. opps.

I've come to realize that, when I drive:
i focus a lot on my surroundings and my music.

I've come to realize that my friends:
want me to be happy.

I've come to realize that, I've lost:
a number of things that i'd probably never find.

I've come to realize that, I hate:
being poor.

I've come to realize that, marriage:
is something i want but may not have.

I've come to realize that, I'll always:
be related to my family.

I've come to realize that, I'll never:
have all the answers when i want them, and when i have them i may not like them.

I've come to realize that, the last time I truly cried was:
a while back, i try not to let those times become a habit.

I've come to realize that, I want:
to be happy in life.

I've come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
i'm reminded of how much i dread school.

I've come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night:
i needa make sure there isn't things i need to do instead (i.e. homework, study, etc.)

I've come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
how i really like this song. sweet child of mine - guns and roses.

I've come to realize that, I get on MySpace:
just to see and updates from bands that i'm unaware of (and to see my picture with kellan =]. )

I've come to realize, that today:
i see things a little bit different from yesterday.

I've come to realize that, true love:
possibly exists but isn't the fairytale, disney shit we think it is. it involves effost on both parts.

I've come to realize that, I like:
when i can be eternally happy and live in the moment.

I've come to realize that my life:
isn't all that bad. and i gotta be positive.

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 09:01:33 GMT

so now that i know
a little bit more info
i kinda felt like sharing it
with someon other than
mom, tita, or kayla
(who doesn't really count
cause she is kinda oblivious)
but again i don't want it to be
a big deal unless i'm for sure it is.
and i would love to tell mybest friend
this cause i mean you're suppose
to tell each other everything.
there again comes my trust issue.
it's not exactly that i don't trust
i just don't want them to overreact
if it happens to be nothing.
and since i don't want everyone to know
the question comes to who to tell?
i don't have a best friend.
i guess i never did.
the closest i think i came was
when ava was my best friend
but i think i'm kinda selfish.
if i have a best friend i think i'm the kinda
person that just wants to be that one
persons best friend.
i don't like telling my secrets to anyone
and i'd figure if my "best friend" had
close friends then they would tell them.
but i realize that even one person can't hold
a burden on there own and sometimes
tries to find an outlet for the same problem.
anywho.
yeaaa no best friend to tell.
i have close friends
but then comes the dilemma of who to tell
i feel it unfair that i find it fit to tell one
and not tell the other
when i don't find any the more suitable
or more i find comfortable.
i also can picture it being blown
out of proportion and not being a secret.
another issue is how to even
bring the subject up.
i'm not one to talk much
so talking about this would be
awkward on both sides.
i also don't wanna worry people
if it turns out to be nothing
then it's a lot of wasted energy.

i don't know.
it's situations like this
where i wish i had a boyfriend
because i know for a fact
that i would tell him if not
anyone else in my life now.
it'd be embarassing , yes.
i'd be terrified with how he'd react
and if he's change his mind of me.
but since there's no push or pull,
because i wouldn't hurt anyone
but me in the process,
i would tell him.
i mean if something is wrong,
i can deal with it
in addition to any bullshit that boys pull.
but i know for a fact i'd feel obligated
and safe in telling him,
despite the fact that he's a
hypothetical "him."

to be honest,
i'm not sure if this whole
hullabaloo is suppose to scare me
or how i'm suppose to react at all.
mother isn't making a big deal of it
but i mean, the only time she makes
a big deal of anything i do is when
she happens to disagree.
so yo no se.
like...obviously it could
become a big deal
but since we're not sure then "whateves"?
i don't know. kinda confused.
i guess i'm just living life
with more awareness that
the possibility of something bad
so while it's still good i'm living my life?

i guess we'll find out soon.
hopefully.

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 19:27:33 GMT

so i've realize how bad
of a friend i am.
i try to justify it with school
and the whole situation
but that just makes me
an even worse friend.
i don't know.
and if i tell them the situation
i feel like now i'm just using
it as an excuse and thus
i'd have to improve.
but after the whole messy
situation with he who should
not be named
i think my trust in people
has diminished moreso.
way to go.
i don't know.
i've gotten used to keeping
more things in.
and at first it was because of
school but now it has no
explanation and just became part
of who i am now.
and now i just want to stay
home and be alone.
sure every now and then it's
not the case but a majority of
the time i'd rather spend alone.
i guess it's a way to get
used to it when the situation
is that i don't want to be alone
but i would have no choice.
it's okay though.
i'm good at being alone.
i just wish i was more productive
like i was before this semester started.
and i would actually make the effort
to balance my time.

i don't know.
i am happy with life.
i mean that whole weekend i was
incredibly happy and the picture
still instantly makes me smile.
maybe it's cause almost everyone
here that i hang out with has
something/someone else
that makes them happy
and i miss that.
not him but the relationship aspect.
and i get jealous or something.
i don't know.
i guess i should be so grateful
to even have someone for a while
even though it went to shit.

anywho. umm...
my situation.
well i know nothing yet.
i've been trying to be positive
and tell myself it's nothing
which is why i hate that people know.
don't wanna make it a big deal
if it's not. simple.
but then again in my mind
i think of the possibility if it is true
and who and how i would tell people
or if i'd just keep it a secret
you know, like a walk to remember. hah.
not so i'd be like her
but so no one would treat me differently
but thinking about it
it'd be impossble.
one cause my family gossips like no other
and two because i'd feel bad
that i'd have to lie to my friends.
i just wouldn't want it to be a big deal
either way cause i don't want the attention
and i don't want people to feel sorry for me.
cause in events like that
even when i was younger
if they made it a big deal i'd start to cry.
weird kid. i know.

hopefully it's nothing.
but from what i learned gotta
hope for the best and
prepare for the worst.
find out sometime this upcoming week.
i wonder if by pain they mean exactly
around the area or could like...
pain like heartburn be similar.
it'd help if they we're more
specific and gave details rather than
just be all whatever about it.
my anxiety has been good about it
but that's cause i either don't think about it
or think about good outcomes from it.
which is odd cause i haven't thought
about the actual physical aspects of it.
i'll get to it if and when it comes.

life is funny sometimes.
giving you tests with
no instructions on how to take it
or what to study.
i guess i'll just have to wait and see.
not one of my specialties
but i guess i just gotta deal.

...sometimes your circumstances suck,
but life doesn't... -Andrew McMahon
p.s. it always helps to write/see this.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 08:12:10 GMT

so past weekend was the
twilight convention in the city.
it was interesting.
something i'm glad i can
cross off of my list.
don't get me wrong i
loved the experience
and pictures and everything
about it i just am now broke. haha.
it was funn weekend overall
watched coraline
which is trippy.
saw pixar and almost died!
can't wait to go inside!
then the convention.
i didn't know it could be sooooo tiring!
like there's a lot of
waiting and everything
but even the waiting was exhausting.
i mean maybe cause i was constantly
rewriting my psych notes
but just the fact that we stayed
in essentially the same place
for about 10 hours.

i think it was all worth it though
i like that i feel like
i know the actors better
and i kinda realize
why i liked the book in the first place.
all the hype has been making
me feel like i needa roll my eyes
everytime it's mentioned.
but i remembered what the books
did for me and how they made me feel.
the fact that the people playing
the characters i love were so
nice and down to earth
made me love them more.

anywho i loved every moment.
they seriously made my day
and the pictures still instantly
make me smile. =]
i'm already kinda psyched
for next year. haha.

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 07:08:24 GMT

it's to be expected.

again and again.
i would love to meet him again and again.
he honestly is an inspiration to me.

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 09:21:39 GMT

there are about a million things
I wish I could do differently.
some of which has only myself to blame.
I really wish I could be more independent
and get used to everything again.
then again there's days where
I think about all the possibilities
all the things I could've done
to still be with him.
of course, none of it is definite.
regardless of anything
I could possibly change
there's no guarantee that
any of it would change the outcome.
I wish I could just get over it.
I do think I might just need closure
but I don't feel the drive to bring it up
I feel that I deserve the apology
as selfish and stubborn as that sounds.
I wish he knew what it all meant and did to me.
whatever.

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 08:51:10 GMT

i feel like this is how i'll always feel.

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 08:10:49 GMT

i wanted to see what i
could come up with.
i'm watching the game
and don't think it's healthy
that i become so anxious over it.
i SHOULD be doing my homework
cause imma be anxious
over HEROES!!!
but ehhh
ohh and cause this is everywhere
and i wanna see if i can
think of 25 stuff about myself.
which...the idea of it
is really weird.
you have to see yourself
as though you don't know yourself.
then you gotta figure out what is unusual
which is difficult because
everything that you are and do
isn't in any way random
but just who you are.
anywho... i'm just rambling.

1. i hate surprises. i can't take th anticipation. so if you have a surprise, how about not say you have a surprise and just make it a surprise?
2. i get really really emotional, it just depends on the situation. especially during disney movies, even if it's happy like enchanted. hah.
3. i've fainted/blacked out about four times. i guess i've underestimated my body but i can justify each one, i think.
4. my car's name is bloo because of foster's home for imaginary friends.
5. i almost always carry a tiny first aid kit, just in case.
6. i have a tattoo, nothing extraordinary but it means a lot to me.
7. i think i have as many, if not more, band shirts/hoodies than i do normal clothes.
8. i can't miss my shows Heroes (awesome and isn't just a stupid drama) and Jon and Kate plus 8 (they're sooo adorable!).
9. if i could be a fictional character i'd be a mix of rory gilmore and veronica mars.
10. i still have all my nsynce stuff...best boy band ever, they MUST come back.
11. when i catch the clock at 11:11 i close my eyes tight and make wishes. like right now!
12. i procrastinate A LOT. then i give the excuse that i work better at night and/or under pressure. hah.
13. i almost always wear my necklace, my 11:11 A.M. bracelet, and my ring named ringo star.
14. when i can't sleep i read, listen to music, or do yoga. (but usually the first two work =].)
15. i wish i could sing because i love to, but for the sake of everyone's sanity i do it on my own time.
16. i have two mirrors in my room, both of which is written on and has stickers all over them.
17. me and my sister share clothes, now me and my younger sister can share shoes (she's 9).
18. my ipod's name is Whorehey, like Jorge but way better.
19. i have a place in my room where i stash junk food, candy, and drinks. i'm an undercover fatty codename: big betty.
20. i want my lower lip or eyebrow pierced but it'd probably look weird.
21. i found our kitty in the backyard by the trash cans. his name is kitty cause we didn't know if he was a boy or girl. sometimes i call him
little brother, he's my favorite =].
22. i hate taking pictures but if it's with people and not just for the sake of taking pictures then whatever.
23. i don't like shopping, i can only shop with certain people. i'm weird i know.
24. when it comes to books, concerts tickets, and stuff i know i want i'm an impulsive buyer. (i bought the twilight books separately but
wanted it in the set so i bought the set and gave my sister my other ones).
25. this took me forever to finish and i gotta do my homework but maybe i'll add more for fun.

everything here is pretty basic
nothing that people i know don't really know
and wouldn't mind sharing
it's people who don't know me
that would assume that i'm weird
which i am but just the right amount.
i don't think any of it is that random?
it's just stuff i think people should know
by getting to know the people
not by reading about it.
i don't know. i guess i'd feel worried
if it was more personal
like the things i normally post.

anywho...jon and kate plus 8
and possibly doing my homework =P
haha.

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 07:58:48 GMT

boooo.
i'm feeling all stressed out
and confused.
stupid school and
their reading assignments are
stressing me the fuck out.
gahhhh.
especially poli sci.
sooo freaking out about
that class. grrr.
mannnn...
i don't know.

ohh and i always hope
for the best with
this situation.
and i know that most likely
nothing will be wrong and
everything will be fine
and i'm just overreacting
as per usual.
but i feel so weak lately
that when times get hard
i wish that something
would be wrong.
god forbid that it does.
it's just to be honest
i'm being a scared
lazy bitch and
i want school
to be over with already.
i mean think about
EVERYTHING
i'd miss if it were true
shows, parties, hanging out with friends.

to be honest there are
three main and stupid reasons
i think i'd be okay with it.
and they are really really stupid.
one: school...
but either way i'd have to get through it.
two: cause maybe just maybe...
things would go back to how they were before.
jenn and heather would be friends
and realize that their fighting is stupid
and completely not worth the
years of friendship.
not only that...
i'm gonna hate myself that
this info is somewhere besides my brain
but... that maybe me and him
would at least be friends or something...
i don't know... talking is not good.
maybe just an actual, adult closure type thing.
stupid stupid. i know.
i don't know how to let go.
and lastly, three:
to have something to live for.
honestly there's so much i wanna do
but it's like... for funn kinda thing
not like...
i don't know.
i feel like i don't have a purpose.
like...my life isn't worth much.
but if i can fight through something,
inspire and create a better perspective in the world.
then maybe my life isn't so worthless.
i often think that maybe if i fight some
disease or sickness
i really am taking the place of someone else
having it and am fighting it for them
instead of having them suffer.
you know, like what parents say they
wish they could do for their children.
stupid and is ridiculous, i know.

anywho finally had our coffee date.
i always miss so much.
then again i'm a bad friend when it
comes to keeping in touch.
but i'm glad they're happy and safe.
oh. and to be honest i know i love her and all
and i've known her forever
but i'm undoubtedly official oddwoman out
when it comes to get-togethers
so i can tell you honestly that though
i'm happy to celebrate her birthday
i'm absolutely dreading the dinner.
especially the fact that it's the day after vday.

whatever.
suck it up (mars)
what's a best friend for?
[yes i would love to be v.mars.
she's awesome.
my idol.]

boo. psychology paper
due tomorrow.
knowledge is power.

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 09:21:09 GMT

so even though it would seem as though
this is a relevent moment
if it is at all
I don't feel like it
I've imagined so many things
that never happen
good or bad
that it seems as though
everything I imagine won't come true.
this is different circumstances though
I assume that physical proof is one
but I feel that I can
never really believe myself
another difference is that it's bad.
the stupid thing is I hope for good things
that would come from it
rather than hoping for it to not be true at all
maybe even the
actual possibility hasn't sunk in
and won't unless it were true.

I guess I've been successful
at ignoring my feelings
because besides hunger and sleep
it's as though I hardly feel anything anymore.
that or being sad and alone
has gotten so normal to me
that's just considered my state of being.
or I've finally accepted that
there's no more hope for me to hold onto.
hmm...I thought letting go
was suppose to get me back to normal.
how come I feel like I'm not better off
and that I've actually gotten worse?

I will remember...you will forget.

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 12:48:06 GMT

Although he, at first, was persistent with calling he never really wanted to tell EVERYONE we were dating: parents family and online. Though I do realize that he did in other aspects: cousin and friends at school. Later in the relationship the calling pattern changed dramatically, and I shouldn't have been so stupid to overlook it.
Cheat 63 65
He NEVER told me of these problems. Ever. No excuse for cheating when he didn't even try to talk about any of the "issues".

Sent from my iPod.

so alhough i,
as well as many others,
would love this year to
turn around as quickly as
we even celebrated the new year
and hoping that our celebration
thus would reflect the outcome of
this new year,
i know that it's stupid
but you know we all hoped it.
i know that we can only
wait and live and see
what happens next.
i'm going to try and enjoy the moment.
it seems like the most difficult
thing to do.
do what makes me happy
of course think ahead
but not so much that i'm
living in the future in my head
and not realizing what i'm
missing out at that moment.
i know i have a lot of decisions to make.
but i don't need to stress out about it.
i don't care what anyone says
i'm young and hopefully have my
whole life in front of me,
and if i don't then at least
in the moments where
i was living i was happy right?

i know for a fact that this will still come up
though i hope it won't.
but yes i made mistakes.
he did too.
i admit i should've probably
shown more attention and affection
and all that stuff that are expected of girls.
sorry.
totally new at this.
i always TRY to hold my feelings back.
anger and sadness no.
but those i'm used to.
happiness, elation, the butterflies, love.
everything that i would see
everyone else feel,
everyone but me.
so i'm sorry that i didn't/don't know
how to handle it when everyone,
including myself,
couldn't imagine me with someone
let alone how i would act.
i thought i was a pretty okay girlfriend.
if anything i wished you would've
told me what was i doing wrong.
the trust thing is totally different matter though.
i thought we were growing stronger.
i felt the strengthening of our trust.
to make it so straight forward
i seriously spent all that time
and money for you.
it's not exactly the time and money
it's the fact that i loved him
with all my heart
and a little less than a week after
you betray the trust i thought was so strong.
it's your fault for breaking the trust
and it's my fault for being so stupid
to take you back and think
that you were the exception
and there was really no reason
that you kissed her.
stupid me.
then i thought we were okay.
i admit i was stupid
for going someplace else
but i didn't know when you'd come back
and i had the whole day off
plus the weekend
and you never gave a definite time.
i'm sorry i thought it would be rude to leave.
i'm sorry i didn't choose to drive.
i'm sorry i didn't think.
i'm sorry we didn't make it up.
i'm sorry i messed that up
and to be honest i think about that
all the time.
that if i hadn't messed that up
if i asked them to drop me off at old navy or something
we could've meet up
and everything would have been fine.
how i thought "they should be."
this stupid day costed and made our relationship
and i was the idiot that broke it
cause i was stupid and not thinking.
it kills me everyday to think that
maybe if i did something different that day
like simply drive my car
we could still be togerther.
honestly i sometimes still hate myself for it.
i knew it upset you but after that
it didn't seem like you cared by then.
it was too late you made up your mind.
and what was i supposed to do
when all of a sudden a bunch of problems
appeared out of nowhere.
thanks for telling me.
the rest is where i'm confused.
and would love clarification
but i'm supposed to have learned that
he's just not that into you.
i get it.
but it doesn't make the pain hurt any less.
so yess i do blame a lot of it on me.
you we're a good first boyfriend.
i just wish none of the other bullshit
like you going out with the other girl
didn't happen cause how can i not
feel hurt about that?
and talking shit hurt even more.
i wish it ended with us talking
after your first jack's show
and maybe still talked occasionally.
sure it hurt every single time
but the shit that actually did follow
i know for a fact hurt way more.
i don't hate him.
i've said this billions of times.
i don't angry sometimes
but that's because it's an act of betrayal
and i see now that although
he was asking for me to be more trusting
i had a reason not to.
another thought is if we stayed would he still go.
if we were together and he left would
i have had the strength to leave him
becaue with all the lies
i fell that we may have ended up in the same,
or way worse situation.

gahhh
i just have to believe that
everything happens for a reason
and that things will work out on it's own.
have faith ,
because really,
what else can we do?

...for a minute there, i lost myself...

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 06:54:18 GMT

gahhh... what a shitty year...
hopefully one more post
before the hopefully
better, new year comes.

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 04:42:18 GMT

Gemini

May 21 - June 21

There is much on your mind today, dear Gemini. Over the last three weeks, you have analyzed your relationships on a deep and profound level. New people with attractive new qualities may be tempting you to make a change. But is this a good time in your life to start up new friendships or love relationships? Are you willing to accept the upheaval such a change would create? These are some worthwhile questions to ask yourself.

no.
if there was some new guy
i don't think i'd even let him in.
no chance.
i just wish i knew
what it is that
would get me over this
and finally make me happy
with my life again.

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 10:30:24 GMT

after you broke up with me
i started to read again.
you could call it obsessive reading.
there would never be a time
where i was without
at least one book with me
wherever i was.
if i ever felt sad
or had you on my mind
i would read.
but i'm beginning to wonder
if constantly reading
instead of living is all that healthy.
i'm not sure why i read anymore.
i'm not sure about anything anymore.

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 06:33:02 GMT

i know this is selfish.
but this thought keeps
running through my mind.
especially today.
i think i've hit my breaking point
or am really really close to it.

i could use a hero right now.

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 10:01:05 GMT

don't know what to say. Mostly because i've said it or told myself thousands of times before but I really can't wait to get over him. I honestly can't fathom any way in doing so but I hope it comes soon. Whatever it may be. I know it's silly. People go through worse things. There are worse things. But somehow I can't let this go. As much as I will myself to do so.
I love the song konstantine but hearing this version makes me truly feel what he meant. By those simple words stating that it was for someone he thought he knew. If only we had known it's end this way.
Maybe then we wouldn't have willingly yet cautiously thrown our hearts so deeply in it believeing that we were so lucky to encounter that perfect love that everyone has been hoping to find.
Then again I think, no those don't happen it's all fairy tales. Lies that people put into our minds because they too once hoped for their knight in shining armor and although unrealistic wanted that hope to stay alive.
I guess it is to build up hopes and dreams to achieve something, to believe that maybe somewhere in this world there has to be some beauty, there has to be a reason for living despite all the bad.
I just wish that those who did make up these fairy tales realized the heartache, the letdown, the loss of hope that are often encountered in these searches for true love.
I hope that people, real people actually do find it and don't ever forget it.
And I hope that one day I do too.
Here's to hoping.

"I don't wanna wait in vain for your love."

Sent from my iPod

soooo finally hung out
with my friends.
went to gordon's
drank and talked
the usual.
went to starbucks with the girls
talked A LOT.
mall with the siblings
took forever but whateves.

anywho.
although i know i am
the odd one out of the
three of us and am
always the last to know
and to tell
it was amazing...
not in a wow
but like a revelation kinda way.
i sound stupid but whateves.
that we had gone through so much
shit in this one year.
like...i've had more drama in
this year alone than
in my whole high school career.
and over what?
a boy.
yes i can honestly say
i'm not over him.
but i mean i kept telling
myself stuff to watch out for
for when i ever fell for a guy
and i totally forgot all of it
cause i thought it'd never
happen to me.
well at least i can say i
learned something.
or at least i hope i did.
no way to know for sure right?
anywho.
even though all of us may still be hurting
through our different difficulties
and it will be hard,
that we move pass it.
i figure though we are not perfect,
i know for damn sure i'm not,
that we are overall good people
and the aweful things
that came from this year
shouldn't have happened.
and i know there are worse
but as far as boy experiences
we could have totally done without.
i guess what i'm saying is
i totally love my friends
and they did not deserve the
crying and heartache they went through
and if it was possible that
instead of all that i could beat
up the boys for them i would =].
hah. wish i could say the same for me
but i think that when it's yourself you
gotta believe there's a reason for it
whether you look at that phrase
in a positive or negative light.
like whether i deserved it or not
i'm either suppose to learn from it
or it was my fault.
like this was somehow inevitable,
not in a doomed kind of way,
just a fact of being bound to happen.
then again it is something negative
to begin with and i tend to
think that negative things
would happen to me
i.e. jury duty xmas eve.
even though it hurts
i would love to leave it with being
a growing and learning experience.
not a scarred for life,
never gonna trust again kind.
i just wish all of it hadn't gone all to shit i guess.

it's weird that all of us had a bad year.
i guess it's a shitty thing that
brings us closer together.
still we all kept thinking
why that it is that we did.
what did we do to deserve it?
so although it may sound selfish
and self-centered that's what
kept resounding through our minds.
maybe it's not a matter of deserving.
it is an outcome of risks
we had engaged in long ago
but back then we never really
saw it as risks.
there was no reason to.
when there is so many people
around you in love or finding love
it's not crazy to accept the thought
that maybe it was finally your turn.
everything's always great at first.
then it continues
and you don't want to imagine
it otherwise:
the bad and the "what-ifs"
in the unfourtunate event that,
inturn, you'd jinx it.
so you let your guard down
something i told myself never to do.
and i became so blind that
the now obvious signs didn't exist.
even when my subconscious
was trying to warn me
i never took it into consideration.
and then bam it hits you.
you should've seen the warning signs.
they were all there.
you should've done something, anything.
i've told myself this plenty of times,
plenty of times too late.
so maybe it was my fault to begin with.
forgetting to take it for what it was
and assuming we were
both happy with each other
and wanted the same things.

"love is a risk
cause you always get hit out of nowhere
by some wave and end up on your own."

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 22:02:01 GMT